Bitches That Stitch

ZOMBIE MAKEUP FOR SENSITIVE SKIN

OKAY YOU BASTARDS, EVERY SO OFTEN YOU WILL FIND ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO EXIST IN THE WORLD THAT HAVE BRATTY SKIN.  THIS SKIN MAKES THE FOUR-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN OF MILLIONAIRES LOOK LIKE WELL-BEHAVED FUCKIN’ LITTLE ANGELS.  IT’LL HAVE THESE THINGS CALLED ALLERGIC REACTIONS WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION JUST BECAUSE IT WANTS TO MAKE YOUR DAY AS GODDAMN MISERABLE AS IT POSSIBLY CAN. SO WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING A GORGEOUS WOMAN INTO A GROTESQUE ZOMBIE, WHAT IS A MAKEUP-ARTIST TO DO WHEN YOUR BUDGET IS ZERO?

BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL GENIUSES—YOU’RE READING THIS AFTER ALL—YOU ALL KNOW FROM BAKING OR MAKING ANYTHING WITH FOOD COLORING IN IT THAT THAT SHIT STAINS NOT ONLY YOUR CLOTHES, BUT YOUR SKIN TOO.

SO FUCK BEN NYE AND THEIR EXPENSIVE-ASS CAKE AND CREAM-BASED MAKEUPS (AND LIQUID LATEX) THAT WILL FUCK UP YOURS OR SOMEONE ELSE’S SKIN AT THE DROP OF A VERY STYLISH FEDORA. 

ALL THAT WAS REQUIRED TO TAKE MY VERY STYLISH VICTIM FROM SEXY FEMME FATAL TO BRAIN-LUSTING, ROTTING CORPSE WAS A TRADITIONAL SET OF FOUR COLORS FOOD-COLORING, BATH TISSUE AND ELMER’S SCHOOL GLUE.  NOT TO MENTION A FUCK LOT OF TIME.

BECAUSE FOR SOME GODDAMN FUCKIN’ STUPID-ASS REASON THE GLORIOUS COLOR KNOWN AS PURPLE IS NOT IN THE USUAL TWO DOLLAR PACK OF FOOD DYES, BUT WHERE THERE IS STUPIDITY THERE IS INNOVATION TO FIX IT.
THE TRADITIONAL PURPLE COLOR FOR BRUISES IS NOT CREATED BY MIXING RED AND BLUE, IT’S A MIXTURE THAT’S THREE PARTS RED, ONE PART BLUE AND ONE PART GREEN TO TAKE IT FROM VIBRANT TO SCUNGY.  THE PURPLE SHOULD BE APPLIED DIRECTLY TO THE SKIN ONCE THE DESIRED COLOR HAS BEEN REACHED AND CAN BE WIPED OFF QUICKLY FROM AREAS WHERE BRUISING IS TO APPEAR LIGHTER.

AH, BUT EVERY FUCKWAD KNOWS THAT BRUISING ISN’T SCARING ANYONE BESIDES PERHAPS YOUR OWN MOTHERS. SCARS, BITES AND GASHES ARE SCARY MOTHERFUCKER, LET’S MAKE YOU ONE OF THE YUMMIEST LOOKIN’ BITCHES IN TOWN.  THIS IS WHERE THE GLUE AND BATH TISSUE COME IN.  THIS IS ALSO WHERE A LOT OF PATIENCE IS EXPENDED AND THIS PROCESS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART OR THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO LIKES TO TEAR THEIR WORK TO SHREDS WHEN THEY CANNOT GET SOMETHING RIGHT.  IN THIS CASE YOU WILL BE PAYING SOME LOFTY HOSPITAL BILLS FOR RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY, NOT TO MENTION AN ASSAULT AND MUTILATION LAWSUIT, SO I SUGGEST NOT TRYING IT IF YOU THINK YOU’LL TRY TO REDUCE YOUR FACE OR YOUR FRIEND’S TO MINCEMEAT OUT OF FRUSTRATION.

LIKE THE PATIENT FUCKERS YOU ARE THOUGH, YOU WILL FIRST LAY DOWN THE GLUE TO YOUR VICTIM’S FACE (OR YOUR OWN FUCKIN’ AWESOME VISAGE) AND BEFORE IT IS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO DRY, SLAP A LAYER OF BATH TISSUE DOWN OVER TOP OF IT IN THE SHAPE OF THE SCAR OR GASH YOU DESIRE.  THEN YOU WILL PUT ANOTHER LAYER OF GLUE ON AND ANOTHER LAYER OF BATH TISSUE AND SO ON AND SO ON UNTIL YOUR SCAR IS AS GNARLY AS YOU LIKE.

THERE ARE SOME METHODS TO MAKING IT LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN STABBED, OR BURNED OR SOME FUCKER JUST THOUGHT YOU LOOKED DELICIOUS AND TRIED TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF YOUR THROAT.  EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN METHODS THAT THEY ARE COMFORTABLE WITH, SO YOU WILL HAVE TO GODDAMN FIND WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU, BUT HERE IS WHAT WORKS BEST FOR ME:

FOR A BURN APPLY ONLY AROUND THREE OR FOUR LAYERS OF GLUE AND TISSUE AND WAIT FOR IT TO BE MOSTLY DRY.  TAKE YOUR HAND AND RUB THE WIDE SPACE UNTIL YOU FEEL IT TEAR, THE UNDER LAYERS MUST STILL BE WET IN ORDER FOR THIS TO BE MOST EFFECTIVE.  YOU MAY SHAPE AS DESIRED AND USE AS MUCH FAKE BLOOD (A RECIPE FOR WHICH I SHALL GIVE) AND COLORING AS DESIRED TO MAKE IT BLEND AND LOOK DISGUSTING. (FOR BURNS, I TEND TO USE RED AND YELLOW THE MOST FOR PUSSING SKIN)

FOR CUTS, BUILD THE LAYERS INTO THE SHAPE THAT YOU WANT, BUT THEY CANNOT BE TERRIBLY THIN OR YOU MIGHT END UP SENDING YOURSELF TO THE HOSPITAL WHEN YOU TAKE A KNIFE OR PAIR OF SCISSORS TO CUT INTO IT. BE FUCKING CAREFUL, DON’T BE AN IDIOT AND JUST TAKE A KNIFE STRAIGHT TO YOUR FACE OR YOUR FRIEND’S; REMEMBER YOUR GOAL IS TO MAKE THEM LOOK GRIEVOUSLY INJURED, NOT MAKE YOUR FUCKING FANTASIES COME TRUE.  FOR VERY LONG SCARS UP ARMS, I SUGGEST USING A PAIR OF SCISSORS IF YOU HAVE A HELPER AROUND TO CUT IT FOR YOU, SAME GOES FOR LONG SCARS ON THE NECK, BUT IF YOU WOULDN’T TRUST THIS PERSON WITH YOUR DOG OR FISH, IT’S USUALLY SOUND LOGIC NOT TO TRUST THEM WITH SCISSORS AND YOUR NECK. IF YOU ARE ALONE (OR WITH A DUBIOUSLY TRUSTABLE PERSON), USE A KNIFE TO GENTLY CUT THE LAYERS APART IN THE MIDDLE AND FILL WITH BLOOD AND COLORING TO MAKE IT BLEND.

FOR BITES USUALLY A SERIES OF LUMPS IN A BASICALLY SEMI-CIRCULAR ARRANGEMENT WORKS, THESE ARE THE SIMPLEST TO ACCOMPLISH BECAUSE THEY OFTEN TIMES CAN BE MANIPULATED QUICKLY AFTER APPLICATION.  SIMPLY TAKE A PEN OR OTHER POINTED OBJECT (PLEASE DO NOT USE A KNIFE FOR THIS ONE) AND PROD THE CENTERS OF THESE LUMPS FOR PROPER DEPRESSION SHAPE.

FOR BLOOD THAT IS WASHABLE AND DRIES IN A REALISTIC COLOR, I SUGGEST CLEAR, SCENTLESS DISH SOAP MIXED WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF FLOUR FOR VISCOSITY REASONS (THIS IS OPTIONAL). USE AS MUCH RED FOOD COLORING AS YOU LIKE FOR A RADIO-ACTIVE RED, BUT FOR REALISM USE A FEW DROPS OF GREEN TO BALANCE IT OUT AND GIVE IT A DEEP BLOOD COLOR.  THE SOAP BASE DOES NOT GET FOOD COLORING OUT OF THE CLOTHES 100% OF THE TIME, I DO NOT SUGGEST USING THIS RECIPE ON WHITE CLOTHES, BUT FOR CLOTHES OTHER THAN WHITE, IT IS USUALLY VERY EFFECTIVE.

NOW GO TO A LOCAL ZOMBIE WALK OR SCARE SOME FUCKERS OUT OF SEASON. 

MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS WHAT WE CALL CARTRIDGE PLEATING AND THE HAND OF MY LOVELY CO-BLOGGER.

IF YOU ARE EVER IN A SHOW AND AN ACTRESS (OR IN SOME RARE BUT BRITISH CASES ACTOR) RIPS OUT THE PLEATING FROM THEIR GODDAMN RENTED, FINE-ASS DRESS YOU ARE WITHIN YOUR FULL RIGHTS AS A COSTUMER TO BLOW THE FUCK UP.  NOT AT THEM, NO.  FUCK NO.  NOBODY WANTS TO HURT A WHINY ACTOR’S FEELINGS. YOU COULD RUIN THE WHOLE SHOW BY DOING THAT.  BUT TRUST ME IF YOU EVER FEEL AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAS HAPPENED LIKE TAKING THEIR ROLLED UP SCRIPT AND SHOVING IT SO FAR UP THEIR ASS THAT THE SHIT AND ACID-SOAKED PAGES START POKING OUT THEIR MOUTHS THAT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE.

THIS FORM OF PLEATING IS TAKING A HUGE FUCKING AMOUNT OF FABRIC AND SQUEEZING IT INTO A SPACE NOT EVEN THE DEVIL IN HIS TINIEST DREAMS COULD ACCORDION HIMSELF INTO AND DOING JUST THAT.  YOU ACCORDION SOME SOMETIMES THICK AS FUCK FABRIC INTO A MINUSCULE SPACE.  THAT SPACE BENEATH THE WAISTBAND BY MY CO-BLOGGER’S HAND IS THE VERY SPACE THAT WHOLE OPEN HOOD OF FABRIC MUST BE FIT BACK INTO.
ONCE THROUGH SOME SORT OF HEATHEN MAGIC YOU MANAGE TO FOLD AND GATHER THE FABRIC BACK INTO THAT SPACE ONE MUST THEN WITH THE DEXTERITY OF A LONELY FEMALE PORN STAR AND THE PATIENCE TO PUT MOTHER THERESA TO SHAME YOU MUST THEN PAINSTAKINGLY SEW EACH INDIVIDUAL FOLD BACK INTO THE WAISTBAND BY HAND.  NO AMOUNT OF PRAYING TO THE VIKING GODS WILL SAVE YOU FROM THIS ARDUOUS TASK.

I ONLY PRAY THAT IF ANY OF YOU EVER NEED TO FIX THIS PROBLEM THAT IT DOES NOT OCCUR DIRECTLY BEFORE A SHOW AS IT DID IN THIS PHOTO.

AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DIS TRAIN.

(via diabolique-mon-ange)

lieutenantcupcake:

Yep. It’s tech week.

FINE MOTHER-FUCKING CRAFTSMANSHIP HERE.

LOOK AT ALL THAT SILK AND THE LOVELY PEOPLE THAT PUT THIS SHIT TOGETHER.

ALL HAIL THE STRESS CLUSTERFUCK THAT IS TECH WEEK.